Microsoft Announces the End of Beta Testing for Windows Vista
Dick Valentine (HF News International)Microsoft recently announced that after extensive beta testing, Windows Vista is finally ready for retail audiences and should be on store shelves as soon as October 22, 2009.
To mark this monumental step in the operating system's life cycle, Microsoft has decided to rename the system Windows 7, in honor of the 7 years it took to turn what started off as strings of random alpha-numeric characters typed in a Notepad document into a fully fledged operating system.
For the past several years, Microsoft has allowed loyal Windows customers to participate in Vista's beta testing process for the nominal fee of $219.95. This has given users the chance to see first hand how truly wretched the operating system is while slowing down their pc's and making them less stable than they were when they ran Windows XP.
Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer told reporters how proud he was of Microsoft's success with the beta testing. "We really accomplished a lot during the beta tests. We were able to make an obscene profit while inflicting massive amounts unnecessary of pain on our customers. And that's really what this company is all about."
To satisfy the loyal customers that have stuck with Vista since before its name change, Microsoft stated that it will ensure that customers who have already purchased the Vista beta testing software will get the same great experience as those who are buying for the first time. They will even get to pay the same great price of $319.99.
Balmer has said that customers who want to cut out the middle man could also just come over to his house where he will punch them repeatedly in the stomach for free.
Many new enhancements have been added to Vista during beta testing to turn it into Windows 7. Here are a few of them:
1 - Runs faster and is less system intensive than Vista
2 - Comes with new power saving options to turn off features it doesn't think you should be using
3 - Pours you a fresh cup of coffee when you wake up
4 - Detects when your boss is about to walk by and closes the multiple tabs of hardcore midget balloon porn you have open, but never judges you for being into weird shit like that
5 - Gives the bestest hugs
6 - Comes with a new desktop widget that engages in nuclear deproliferation talks with Russia
7 - Can press and dryclean a man's suit in 2 1/2 minutes
8 - Will ask your boss for that promotion you totally should have asked for last review when you choked at the last minute
9 - Emits low level radiation that fights cancer
10 - Will save the first born child of any household that places it over their lintel
