Tina From Accounting: Is She Into You? HF News Investigates
Dick Valentine (HF News International)No, no she is not, sources confirmed on Thursday. Not at all. Not even as a friend. And quite frankly, she would really appreciate it if you would stop staring at her breasts whenever she wears a low cut top. Her eyes are up here. She's not a piece of meat you know.
Sources close to Tina cited a balding head and pants that start at the nipples and stop just before the ankles as two of the primary motivators behind her decision to continue being disgusted by you. Also, you're kind of too old, and that's gross.
Other reasons mentioned include the way you always try to "accidentally" brush up against her when passing in the hall way, your not so subtle hints about how you have a friend with a lake house you could use some time if you had someone to go with, and the ambiguity concerning whether you live with your mom because she moved in or because you never moved out.
Industry analysts were unsurprised by Tina's belief that you are easily the creepiest guy in the office. "All the indicators have been there for quite some time now. I mean, you have a freaking mustache for Christ's sake," said Joseph Vandenbaum of Washington think-tank Thinking Things.
This reporter was able to confirm that mustaches stopped being sexy in the late seventies and since 1993 have been considered socially unacceptable on anyone other than Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds. Your mustache is essentially the big exclamation mark at the end of the phrase "STAY AWAY!" that every woman sees tattooed across your face.
When asked for a comment, your mother responded by saying "That girl is just jealous of my little baby, that's why she's being so mean to him." When pressed, your mother remained steadfast in her opinion, despite that fact that it made no sense. No one has ever been jealous of you for anything. No one. Ever. Seriously, I'm not joking.
Initial reports indicate that you still don't have a clue and are considering asking her to go laser tagging with you this Saturday. If you feel lucky, you will probably ask her to stick around for brunch with your mom on Sunday.
