Travel: The Past, It's Nature's Playground
Dick Valentine (HF News International)I'm sure most HF News readers spend a lot of time living in the past already, but there's more to the past than just hating yourself for never getting the balls to ask out Becca McCoy in the 11th grade, wishing you had exercised more as a kid so you wouldn't have to stare at your fat face every morning, or brooding about how your parents ruined your life sophomore year of college when they wouldn't pay for your trip to Cancun, even though all your friend's parents totally paid for them.
What you need are some fun alternatives for the next time you visit the past that will make it seem new and exciting. Try following a few of my suggestions to spice up your next vacation to the past and I promise you will be chomping at the bit to go back and try some more.
1 - Try a night of passionate love with a female T. Rex so that on your return to the present you will be greeted by throngs of sentient T. Rexs who all recognize you as their progenitor and rightful king, then take over Italy with your half man-half dinosaur army.
2 - Visit the fall of the year 1968 as your young father blissfully rides his shiny red bicycle down a freshly paved street, basking in the warm glow of the early autumn sun on his way to enrich himself at school. Take a picture. Go forward in time to the winter of 1992 as your father, now a man grown, tells you that he won't drive you to school today because you need to walk to build your character and how he trudged waist deep in snow up hill both ways to school, even in July, possibly through enemy cross-fire. Give yourself the picture. Watch yourself be the first child in the history of the world to win this argument with empirical proof.
3 - Go back in time and sleep with your mom. Oh wait, I already did that one for you! Zing! Take that, sucker. Or should I say - take that, son?
4 - Take an Xbox 360, two controllers, a power generator, a tv, and a copy of Battlefield 1942 back in time to the year 1942 at the Reichstag and challenge Hitler to a quick game. Proceed to beat Hitler's Nazi Germany in Battlefield 1942 in the year 1942 against the actual Hitler. The look on his face will be priceless.
5 - You could finally satisfy your Oedipus complex. Not by killing your dad and raping your mother. That's messed up. Instead, go back and kill Oedipus' dad and rape Oedipus' mother. For an extra treat, take a picture of it and go show Freud.
