Things To Do When No One Is Watching
by Dick ValentineThe content of this article is of an adult nature, and should not be read by those who would be offended by extended sequences of a graphic homosexual nature. You have been warned.
Take a life lesson from Dick - even when people are technically looking right at you, all they can see is how impressed you're going to be when they unload their next joke all over your face, or totally nail this wicked ollie, or get their dress shoes so freaking shinny, like you don't even know. While you're telling a coworker about how ridiculously white your teeth are getting on these Crest strips, he's wondering if Tina in accounting would be more into him if he wore a blazer to work tomorrow.
The point is that you're not being optimally efficient. There are literally tens of fun things that you could be doing when no one is watching you, and trust me when I say that no one is watching you. So I've put together this little guide to give you some suggestions about what you could be doing with your time now that you know no one is watching. Ever. Seriously. Try it.
1. Ok, lets just deal with the 400lb gorilla in the room. You could jack off. Yeah I know. Masturbation is America's favorite pastime and its best done when no one is watching, but it's been played out.
For a real kick, try wanking someone else while they aren't watching. This takes steely resolve and a pair of quick hands. A person's normal instinct is to look down at their junk when they feel the subtle caress of a hand upon it: you have to suppress this instinct in your target. I would suggest that you start by telling Bob (Bob is our lucky placeholder) all about your recent vacation to Portugal. This will immediately send Bob to his happy place where he will start tuning you out while he prepares to tell you about how he backpacked the Appalachian Trail three years ago. At this point, you will want to slowly reach down and slip your hand into his generous pants. Now you need to act fast here because things are going to go down quick.
First, play with his balls for a few seconds to get him erect. Bob's going to notice that someone is playing with his balls. He's quick like that. It can't be avoided, so you need to keep him distracted and not looking at you. Start talking about how great the food was in Portugal, and how there is nothing in the States that can even come close to that level of freshness.
This will immediately send him into crisis mode while he frantically tries to come up with every place he has ever eaten, searching for a restaurant trendy enough to trump eating the local seafood of Portugal. Tell him it was at a little open air cafe, real authentic, with a waitress that didn't speak any English, but it was ok since you had learned Portuguese back in the 90's while you served with the Peace Corps. At this point, you will notice Bob's eyes roll back into his head as he reverts to a childlike state in his attempt to ignore your overly impressive story.
This is your cue. Drop those balls and start rubbing that pole like you're trying to start a fire. At some point Bob will probably start to come out of the trance that he is in. You will want to hold a stuffed animal up in the air with your other hand and repeatedly say "Here Bob, look up here!" will making random high pitched noises and clucking sounds. For an illustration of what to do here, watch the photographer at a two year old's photoshoot, those tactics should work equally well here.
2. Steal things. Think about this, while Bob is telling you about how magical it was just to be in the room while his wife gave birth to their darling son last weekend, you could either be trying to picture how stunned Bob is going to be when you offer to pick up the check for your two Grande Double Mocha Leche Frappa Lattes or you could be stealing his watch. Pro Tip: steal the watch. Honestly, which is more valuable to you, Bob's undying gratitude and affection or a $30 watch. It's a no brainier.
How do you think I got so many staplers? It wasn't from listening to my boss while he was giving me assignments, that's for sure. It was from grabbing them off his desk while he was giving me assignments. At least I think he was giving me assignments, I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying over my own cries of victory. Viva la Resistance!
And that's just the beginning. The number of things you can steal is literally infinite (figuratively speaking). Over 60% of the worlds supply of consumer silverware was originally stolen from poorly lit restaurants while holding face to face conversations with the owners about the proper method of shaving a truffle. That's a fact. Also a fact: stealing a manhole cover while distracting a police office by complimenting his courageously bristling mustache is not only fun, it's patriotic.
I know I've only given you two ideas to start with, but now that you know how social interactions actually work, I'm sure you will come up with other equally exciting ways to use all the time when you're not being watched, which is always.
