Top Ten Ways to Break Up With Your Girlfriend
by Johnny HolidaySo you want to break it off, but don't have the cajones to do it by yourself?
If you have any dignity at all, you will dump her like a man. Lame lines like "It isn't you, its me" were invented by women, and should not be said by anyone with even one testicle.
I have compiled the following list of surefire relationship ending techniques. If any one doesn't do the trick, try using several at once.
10 - Change your phone number and hide - It doesn't matter where you go, as long as she wouldn't expect to find you there.
Under the couch and the feminine products aisle at the local grocery store have both worked for me.
9 - Call her fat - Don't just hint at it, or tell her when she asks how she looks in a dress. You will want to volunteer it, repeatedly. Just once won't do it.
Try calling her on her birthday just to ask if she's gained weight lately, then hang up.
8 - Tell her you're gay - Be prepared to prove it.
7 - Hook up with her friends - Take care of two birds with one stone.
6 - Admit to a crime - Make sure it isn't anything that she might think is cool or exciting, that is called bragging.
At the same time, you want to make sure it isn't something weird or pervy, unless you want word getting out that you're a pedophile.
It's a careful balancing act.
5 - Forget important details about your relationship - Her birthday, her phone number, your anniversary, her last name, her first name...
Use your imagination. If this doesn't get you broken up, you aren't trying hard enough.
4 - Take her on vacation and leave her - Women do not like this.
3 - Watch every NFL, NCAA, Arena and High School football game and TiVo them to watch again later - Tell her that you love her more than anything except football, and casually let her know that you would choose football over her in a heartbeat.
2 - Say another name in bed. Preferably her best friend's name - She has to be in bed with you when you do this. Otherwise it just doesn't work.
1 - Marry her - Automatic 50% chance of divorce.
Plus, there are great tax breaks involved.
