Billy Mays Dies in Tragic Murder/Suicide
Dick Valentine (HF News International)The mystery surrounding the death of infomercial king Billy Mays was put to rest this morning with the release of the official autopsy report and breaking eyewitness testimony.
According to the report, Mays died of acute sonic trauma to the brain’s motor cortex. In short, Mays was killed by very, very, very loud noises, that effectively turned his brain to goo.
Sources have also confirmed rumors that Mr. T, of A-Team fame, was found dead at Mays’ residence as well.
One eyewitness claims that Mays had invited Mr. T to his home for a private Oxyclean demonstration. Tempers flared when T resisted Mays’ obnoxiously loud sales pitch and began shouting “I pity the fool!” repeatedly at the top of his lungs. The shouting match came to a tragic end when Mays began yelling complete gibberish into a megaphone in a desperate bid to drown out Mr. T’s continued avowal of sympathetic feelings toward individuals with less than average intelligence.
According to one eyewitness description, Mays and T apparently lost control of their bodily functions at the height of the argument, collapsing into two spasming masses of spilled Oxyclean and human excrement.
This account matches the brain damage described in the autopsy reports for both individuals.
Police are currently treating the incident as a murder/suicide, although it is not entirely clear whose voice did the majority of the damage.
As an aside, Police Commissioner Patrick Johnson stated that he was impressed with the cleaning power of Oxyclean and that “cleaning up the mess these two guys made was a snap.”
While news of Mays’ reckless use of vocal amplification has left fans stunned, close friends of Mays were not surprised. According to Mays wife, there had been a long-standing rivalry between the two famously loud individuals.
It has also been rumored that Mays was struggling to accept the fact that Mr. T had pitied far more fools than he could ever hope to. Mays’ family released a televised statement to his fans on Thursday asking them not to grieve for Mays because he died doing what he did best, talking too loudly. The family also suggested that fans dry their tears with a ZorbEEZ cloth capable of absorbing over 20 fluid ounces of liquid. Fans that ordered within 10 minutes of watching the heart felt statement received free shipping.
As a free gift, the family showed their sympathy toward the plight of Mays’ distraught fans by offering to throw in an extra ZorbEEZ for free if viewers called now. Inside sources place the value of this bundle at $60, making it a steal at $19.99. Mays’ wife stated that the family wanted to be given their privacy in this time of mourning and reminded viewers that they should call now before they miss this amazing deal.
Although Mr. T’s family has not released an official statement, sources close to them have confirmed that the family intends to sell Mr. T’s gold chains for charity, finally ending world hunger. The remainder of the proceeds will be used to continue Mr. T’s largely unsuccessful work with disadvantaged inner-city youth, which experts expect to continue being a huge waste of time and money.
